Not listening to my usual Tchaikovsky or Bach or Beethoven, but instead looping Amy Winehouse tracks as i’m working on my final piece of mailer for this firm.
Its my “swan-song” mailer for this place. And the rationale behind it is making it tough to do. I’ve done so many in my years here, but this is by far one of the hardest to do.
Utterly unproductive day at work. News is out, never thought I’d have such difficulty adapting to it even though I’d heard about it a week ago. All i can tell myself is, maybe this is a good thing, a test of how strong i really am.
Talking to Terence and the Duke actually made me cry, because of how sad and uncertain i was feeling. The inside of my gut still feels like shit, like a huge sledgehammer had been taken to my head. Looking at my sad bank account and thinking about the upcoming school fees isnt helping at all either.
Utterly dont feel like doing a single shit at all. Just want to drink till i pass out. But i gotta tie up all my media contracts and set the gears in motion with regards to this. sigh..with a heavy heart, i will.
feeling like this on the inside, but my outsides are doing a surprisingly great job at holding it together.
Dreading showing up to work today. Its the day of the news. Not sure how everyone is gonna react but..my gut feels absolutely horrid. Woke up and felt like a 50 pound weight fell onto my head, groaned and heard "Home" start playing in my head.
"Won’t be a long time..till we get back home.."
The Duke sensed my stirring, he rolled over and hugged me. Frankly, wished that time would come to a stand still. Then, whats next?
Got showered and dressed. When I was about to leave, the Duke said that I hadnt had my OJ yet. Didnt really feel like having any OJ unless there was a little..vodka innit. Annnd the Duke read my expression and walked me out, and poured me a glass of OJ.
He watched me drink it..as though suspicious if i would reach into the freezer and add a shot of vodka 😑 Speaking of which, I should have added vodka into the carton..that is a good idea..
Sighhhhh totally not feeling today, at all.
Went hard and heavy today at the Box. Ripped my palms right up, but, no regrets. Always a mind over matter, so close to doing a half-assed job but, still getting my head in it and finishing strong.
Its a mindset, to finish properly. Not give up halfway and bow out. Crossfit Games begin tomorrow..afraid that I just might wake up in the wee hours to watch the live feed. This is my world cup season lol
Tomorrow isn’t going to be a very good day, its like there is a dark cloud right above our heads. I know what’s coming but still, i wish it wouldn’t happen. Le sigh.
Frankly i need to be cut a break. From life. Working with the end in mind, one step at a time, next Monday spells the full-stop for the Duke and I at the doghouse. Very glad for the Duke that he completed his term and its time for him to write a new chapter in that area of his life.
Nobody likes to walk in uncertainty, but I still believe everything has its own way of working itself out. So, *fingers crossed*
and lately i’ve been so terribly tired. Tired to my bones. But hanging on till this Friday, when i finally (hope) to have a legit day of rest with the Duke. And then, hopefully things will pick up from there :)
Typed a whole lengthy blog post about my shitty day and shitty feelings at work but i think it wasnt meant to be posted cos i accidentally closed my app and there went the whole post. So..screw it.
Had a pretty pleasant night last night, decided to ditch class, the Duke came and picked me up from work, had a good dinner, and we went out to get some drinking done.
We managed to clock into happy hour, and we drank away like sailors. Begun with Kilkenny’s, had 4 pints, ordered shots, truffle fries and finished with 6 Gin and Tonics.
Sitting in that bar, the Duke and I begun talking about what was in-stored for the near future. Maybe with the drinks, words seemed to come easier. And the topics just came out.
We didn’t know what was going to happen. Both of us are currently in a state of uncertainty. But knowing what sort of a person I was, I had to talk about it to get it out of my system, and to know where we were going.
“If there was a better job out there, elsewhere, I will take it”.
"but from now, I can’t be selfish."
“I got to think for you and I, our future.”
When those words were said, I felt in my gut, even as much as I resented school, I have to do it, for our future..
Night ended on a relatively good note. Save for the moment where I almost chewed the Duke’s face off for a silly comment he made. Other than that, I can never get sick of curling up beside the Duke and feeling his arms around me, before falling asleep.
sweet love, sweet sweet love..
Afrojack’s album is surprisingly good and its making me miss the Box. I’m getting lazy, or its the recent disinterest due to the recent series of events?..I miss doing Cleans. Back to school today..BOOOOOOO!!!!…
Having my hunch confirmed this time, isn’t a good thing. i’m not quite sure what to think or feel, but i just want to lie in bed and have this on loop.
All that I’ve worked for, and whom I’ve worked for, is about to change.. and its not helping, feeling the weight of responsibilities on my shoulder. I’m 23 but why do i have so much responsibilities!? I’m too young for this shit. but then again, i’m working so hard in my 20s, just so i can have a better life in my 30s.. Why does shit keep hitting the fan when the entire ceiling is already decked with shit?? why god why!????
Taking me all of 250% to hold everything together and not crack when i feel absolutely like that inside..