Sigh. Sometimes i’m really frustrated at the flaws in life that i have.
So, date check, its 31st July, which also means tomorrow is the day i get myself in check and get back on the road to eating clean.
Sigh. I’ve grown a tad soft and undisciplined with how and what i have been eating and it is showing. I’m definitely not as lean as I used to be and the feeling sucks.
To add to that, i think most of my money has been spent on food. And when i’m stressed, I get hungry more often and I eat much more. WTF. I know, seriously, WTF.
Therefore from August:
1. Cut down on carbs, proteins, greens and fruits only.
2. Almonds and cranberries.
3. Raw sugar from fruits, no processed sugars.
4. 5 glasses of Beer a week.
5. Vodka, gin or wine only.
6. Get back to the box 4x a week.
7. 3lits of water a day.
8. NO MORE FRIED FOODS. OR SNACKING.
9. No more eating after 8pm/9pm
10. Stop giving in to your cravings. Step it up Zan. You need to be disciplined. Cmon.
To a good month ahead, x.
Getting some alone time with my thoughts is when i’m in this smelly 4feet by 4feet cubicle. Have had so much going on that i haven’t had time to think in an organized fashion.
However, I have about 10 minutes, so here goes:-
1. Feel like i should’ve worn a belt today cos my jeans feel like they’re gonna fall off my ass any minute now.
2. I really need to get my essay outline planned, stat.
3. Need to get my CV and port folio sorted, pronto.
4. Frankly, can’t wait for payday. Money in the bank.
5. Am thankful for today and the million things i have right now.
Very grateful that I have people who look out for me and given me the things that I have. I didn’t place any expectancy on receiving anything, at all.
This morning, when i was looked square in the eyes and asked, if i really wanted to do this, there was no hesitation from me at all. Not a single shred.
I guess he just had to know how much I wanted it. And its a 250%. Its true, it really is a favor. And there is no way I’d be able to describe how much relief and gratitude I felt in that very moment the words came out.
And as though it was the cherry on top of the cake, I’m going to be able to take my Baby with me.. The baby that I had painstakingly lugged to the service center, upgraded, loved, and still love, and stared day in day out for coming 3 years now..my Baby is coming with me..😍
Along with everything else that had been invested with me, my wacom pro..and everything else..
Although I know this should be a moment where my heart sings like a canary, having had loved all my gadgets and the favor that has been given to me, there is still a bittersweet pain inside, knowing that we have about 40 days left..
This morning, just felt like how it did 3 years ago, when I sat across the table, talking to Allen, unsure about my stand in this firm, but looking back, I have gained so much, and I would never want to trade it in for anything else.
All good things have to come to an end. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have other good things coming. One door closes, but another opens. It has indeed been a good day for the Duke and I, having our own pieces of sunshine today. Have been very glad we’ve hung on, and as I always believe, “it can only get better”.
time to head fo class.
Been so tired recently, the things that have been on my mind are, the Duke, sleep, food, money and my assignments.
Everytime you tell me “i love you more”, i really love you more.
Not listening to my usual Tchaikovsky or Bach or Beethoven, but instead looping Amy Winehouse tracks as i’m working on my final piece of mailer for this firm.
Its my “swan-song” mailer for this place. And the rationale behind it is making it tough to do. I’ve done so many in my years here, but this is by far one of the hardest to do.
Utterly unproductive day at work. News is out, never thought I’d have such difficulty adapting to it even though I’d heard about it a week ago. All i can tell myself is, maybe this is a good thing, a test of how strong i really am.
Talking to Terence and the Duke actually made me cry, because of how sad and uncertain i was feeling. The inside of my gut still feels like shit, like a huge sledgehammer had been taken to my head. Looking at my sad bank account and thinking about the upcoming school fees isnt helping at all either.
Utterly dont feel like doing a single shit at all. Just want to drink till i pass out. But i gotta tie up all my media contracts and set the gears in motion with regards to this. sigh..with a heavy heart, i will.
feeling like this on the inside, but my outsides are doing a surprisingly great job at holding it together.
Dreading showing up to work today. Its the day of the news. Not sure how everyone is gonna react but..my gut feels absolutely horrid. Woke up and felt like a 50 pound weight fell onto my head, groaned and heard "Home" start playing in my head.
"Won’t be a long time..till we get back home.."
The Duke sensed my stirring, he rolled over and hugged me. Frankly, wished that time would come to a stand still. Then, whats next?
Got showered and dressed. When I was about to leave, the Duke said that I hadnt had my OJ yet. Didnt really feel like having any OJ unless there was a little..vodka innit. Annnd the Duke read my expression and walked me out, and poured me a glass of OJ.
He watched me drink it..as though suspicious if i would reach into the freezer and add a shot of vodka 😑 Speaking of which, I should have added vodka into the carton..that is a good idea..
Sighhhhh totally not feeling today, at all.
Went hard and heavy today at the Box. Ripped my palms right up, but, no regrets. Always a mind over matter, so close to doing a half-assed job but, still getting my head in it and finishing strong.
Its a mindset, to finish properly. Not give up halfway and bow out. Crossfit Games begin tomorrow..afraid that I just might wake up in the wee hours to watch the live feed. This is my world cup season lol
Tomorrow isn’t going to be a very good day, its like there is a dark cloud right above our heads. I know what’s coming but still, i wish it wouldn’t happen. Le sigh.
Frankly i need to be cut a break. From life. Working with the end in mind, one step at a time, next Monday spells the full-stop for the Duke and I at the doghouse. Very glad for the Duke that he completed his term and its time for him to write a new chapter in that area of his life.
Nobody likes to walk in uncertainty, but I still believe everything has its own way of working itself out. So, *fingers crossed*
and lately i’ve been so terribly tired. Tired to my bones. But hanging on till this Friday, when i finally (hope) to have a legit day of rest with the Duke. And then, hopefully things will pick up from there :)
Typed a whole lengthy blog post about my shitty day and shitty feelings at work but i think it wasnt meant to be posted cos i accidentally closed my app and there went the whole post. So..screw it.
Had a pretty pleasant night last night, decided to ditch class, the Duke came and picked me up from work, had a good dinner, and we went out to get some drinking done.
We managed to clock into happy hour, and we drank away like sailors. Begun with Kilkenny’s, had 4 pints, ordered shots, truffle fries and finished with 6 Gin and Tonics.
Sitting in that bar, the Duke and I begun talking about what was in-stored for the near future. Maybe with the drinks, words seemed to come easier. And the topics just came out.
We didn’t know what was going to happen. Both of us are currently in a state of uncertainty. But knowing what sort of a person I was, I had to talk about it to get it out of my system, and to know where we were going.
“If there was a better job out there, elsewhere, I will take it”.
"but from now, I can’t be selfish."
“I got to think for you and I, our future.”
When those words were said, I felt in my gut, even as much as I resented school, I have to do it, for our future..
Night ended on a relatively good note. Save for the moment where I almost chewed the Duke’s face off for a silly comment he made. Other than that, I can never get sick of curling up beside the Duke and feeling his arms around me, before falling asleep.
sweet love, sweet sweet love..