Made the Duke upset by asking if that is what we were..sigh. I shouldnt have.
Looking at how hard I am trying to keep my hands from shaking, because I am terribly frustrated at the blunder I committed this morning.
We missed our flight.
Yes. Never once in the history of my entire life has that ever happened to me before. I fucked it up by being overly confident about flight timings and we missed our flights.
Even if the Duke wasnt chewing my ass up about the blunder I just did, I feel absolutely horrid on the inside. Up to this point, I couldnt believe how careless I was with the details at all. Wasted time and wasted money. I hope I’m able to make up for it.
On the way to submit my last 2 assignments of the Sem. Annnnd we’re done. Finished the first lap of being back at school, and I can say, it, is, not as easy as I thought it’d be.
Results for my first assignment just came back. I did fairly well i suppose, missed first class by 2 points. I don’t know to be angry at myself for missing by a mere 2 points, or otherwise glad that at least I got upper second class grades.
With weeks of being frazzled, stressed out and trying to juggle the billion things at work, boy, am i thirsty. Been dreaming about smooth creamy Kilkenny flowing down my throat, since this afternoon. I’ve been relatively good this month, having cut down on drinks and food. Cmon, Xan, you want a better body, yeah? You gotta keep on track.
I want nothing more than to sit down and watch a buncha stupid movies, with a beer in each hand, while eating cheesy puffs. Finally ended with the work day, but my brain is still running, did i mention how much I hate dealing with Storyboards and TVC?
First things first, off to submit my assignments, pay my school fees, buy 2 beers (1 for each hand), all in that order.
Here we go. X.
Things seem to be back on track after having a frank conversation with the Duke. I cant say i love him less, on the contrary, i feel like i love him more.
I came to a realization that i’ve missed him. Even though he’s been with me everyday, i’ve missed him. How he was with me, how he felt and how close we were. Everything came out on the table last night, words that had been unsaid, and words that had to be said.
The future seems uncertain to the both of us right now. Neither of us has the answer to what is life going to be for the both of us in..5 years? But, i don’t know either. All i could say is I am very in love with the Duke, and all that I’m telling myself is to work hard, for our future..
The Duke is going through a transition right now, even he is uncertain of the answers to give me. Not that I’m pushing for it, but last night has helped me realize how much I love him, really.. That I would want so much for him to do well in life, to be happy, to be healthy and to have the best..
Sometimes a jolt is all you need to realize certain things. Waking up from our nap this afternoon, it was the first Sunday we’ve had had time together, to head out for brunch, come home, and spend time together, made me feel so comforted, like we were on the road to being a normal couple. Waking up beside the Duke, realizing that I wasn’t at work, in the quietness of my heart, I felt like I very much loved him and wanted to see him happy, and know how thankful I am to have found him.
No emo, just thankful, you know? I guess, to me, enjoying life is realizing and appreciating the good things you have, and the Duke is one of em.
Anyhow, I don’t know how things are gonna be, but I just have got to be prepped for anything that might happen. There aren’t any concrete answers that the Duke is able to give me right now, but I’m happy just sitting beside him, being 200% supportive, y’know?
Everything is prepped. So i’m not exactly as unsure as I was. Frankly, can’t quite wait for Perhentian, really just want a break from the rat race.
Asking myself questions that i dont have the answers to. Pretty sure i didn’t quite sign up for this. Is this helping me or doing otherwise?..gosh.
yeap. this is to us, not hiding anymore.
was, did not go as expected. The Duke came home hammered as hell and in one of the worse states that I’d ever seen him in.
Which kinda made me feel like a complete tool for not showing up when I had meant to. Hearing him relate to me what he went through last night, felt like razor blades upon my chest. Knowing that he was in one of the lowest pits and yet I wasn’t there to lift him out. Coming to realisations about what the missed calls on my phone had meant.
I felt tears stinging my eyes as I stood in front of him, refusing to cave in. I was furious last night, thinking that he should be having a good time last night, but why had he came home and dumped all his frustration on me? But in turn it was my own fault for choosing to stay in when I had meant to head out.. I can be such a fool sometimes..
Duke came back flat out drunk, and had been drinking on his own, then stumbled his way home, and that no one had called to ask where he was when he had left, made me fume even more, when he had shared our 2 bottles of Belvederes with that bunch of turds..
seriously. ingrates much?
Its not just because the Duke is my significant other half. Okay, part of the reason is because he is my significant other half. But also, its supposed to be his farewell. Why didn’t it seem so last night? pfft.
Anyhow, looking forward to this Friday, when i’m due for 2 meetings, really praying for something to look up. After which, I’m taking the Duke out, for a good dinner, and drinks. Although there is a chance we are gonna get smashed, again, it will be a good night. Pretty sure of it. We will make it a good night, just for 2 simple reasons.
1. because it is my farewell party for him, for finally leaving that..place.
2. because we have to no longer hide "us" anymore.
They are always saying they know how to party? Pfft. Babe, lets show them how it should be done.
need will be getting my final essay for this semester out and crafted by today.
2. I need to learn to text less and make actual phone calls to my Love instead.
3. I need to open up to my Love instead of fume internally.
“Don’t look away from the arms of love” xX
Just feeling ab-solute-ly maxed out at the moment. Almost to the point where I am worn out at my seams. Very tiring having to always justify and explain every, single, minute, thing.
In Groot We Trust